No Turkey for MargOH!

Hey kids,
Now I'm not usually one to complain but turkey day was a bit…tragic. Not that many of my Thanksgivings have been pure joy...but turkey day 2009 will go down in history as a mad mad day!

You have to understand that since I moved to Brooklyn it has become a little crowded. Just because I have 2 bedrooms, my extended family thinks that means they can crash whenever they like.

I mean I already have my mother Sully, well should I say my first mother, she's actually not my mother after all but she's been around so long I call her Mommy too –or rather Mommy 2. Then there is my real mother, Mommy Trudie, who I originally thought was my Aunt Trudie and who I believed dead but really was alive. She shares a room with Mommy 2.

I also have my Aunt Fawn "tastic" Channing coming and going and crashing (sometimes literally – more on that later) on the couch. Then there is my daughter Stoli, well she isn’t actually my daughter (that's a whole other mess of a story) but for some reason she keeps showing up, poor thing. And lastly, no news to the regular followers of my life, I am forced to bear the cross of my wardrobe mistress Berna Breckenridge occupying the walk in closet, stretching out my hosiery to store her disturbing collection of knick knacks and bric-a-brac. My own little Flower in the Attic. Of Course my gay fiance Man-ee Champagne is fluttering around cleaning up and doing mash ups of Dusty Springfield and Lady Gaga, now doesn't that just sing thanksgiving boys and girls..

Are you with me kids? This was the base Thanksgiving dinner guest list. My Aunt Fawn, Sully/Mommy 2, my Aunt Trudie/Mommy Trudie, my wardrobe mistress Berna, Man-ee the gay fiance and my ex-daughter Stoli.

And because obviously I am sadistic, I also invited some pals - actress Polly Holiday, you know "Kiss my grits!" from Alice, my former neighbor actress Linda Hunt, Mickey and Jan Rooney and Mickey's new BFF, Justin Beiber and his mother. Truth be told it was Stoli who invited Justin, its her new crush and she somehow managed to get a job as his personal assistant. Such a resourceful girl that one!

Any who, I wanted to order up everything from Fresh Direct but Sully insisted on cooking from scratch. “Not to worry” she said “Trudie and I will take care of everything!”

I grabbed my mimosa and headed to the boudoir to do my face. All of a sudden I hear all of these gunshots and thuds against the house. I ran to the window and saw 3 ducks on the ground, ducks in Brooklyn?! Then I ran into the living room and Sully's standing there, shotgun resting on her leg and triumphantly cackles "We're having turducken!".

I tell her she's out of her mind. I remember screaming out that I was a member of PETA and that turducken was out of the question when Trudie follows in with a live turkey. "Oh god" I howled "Give me that poor Turkey! If we have turkey it should be frozen” and he gobbled in such a forlorn fashion to that statement that I had to add “No! forget it. We'll have fish!”

I sent Stoli off to the store for some salmon and I took the turkey, which I named Tex, into my boudoir. Luckily I had some bird food left over from a nightmare relationship with a bird named Lucy.

I invited everyone over for cocktails at 2 and then dinner at 4. At 10 am Linda Hunt is knocking on the door! Well she knocked but Berna said no one was there – I’m afraid she's a bit short... well anyway she shimmied up the fire escape and scared the daylights outta me when she popped her head in the window whilst I was still getting ready so I sent her to the store to get cheese and crackers and a big pepperoni log.

Mickey and Jan came next, also early, Jan made the potatoes - some sort of casserole. Of course the potato's had a blow torched picture of Mickey and Judy on it and “Judy was my Sister” written on the bottom in paprika. Jan looked upset "I smell fish”, she said. I was so insulted I was about to slap her until she finished her thought “Are we having fish? No turkey??? I would have made a turkey!"

I told Jan that we were having fillet De salmon because I simply could not kill Tex nor the poor ducks. Polly Holiday had just walked in with more of them. "Hey ya'll is it raining ducks in Brooklyn?! Hot damn!"

Sully grabbed them and starting saying "I'm a damn good shot, c'mon Maggie let me cook em!".

"No way Mommy 2! Absolutely not! Stop waving those ducks around!”

By now my horribly behaved friends and family had me in a state – my poor delicate head was throbbing. Before I knew what hit me (probably my third vodka and tonic) I screamed out “Polly get to it and set the table, use that Alice experience and make it pretty. Jan get to work on those crescent rolls! And Mickey for god’s sake put a lid on it! I'm having a drink!".

Already I was exhausted when my Aunt Fawn arrived with her figure skating coach Dixie. But at least she brought some good news for the day – she decided to enter the over-70's nationals rather than her original goal of competing at senior nationals though I must say she can still do a hell of a double axle and triple toe loop at 73. She brought her music and started showing everyone her routine to 'Fire bird" until she tripped over poor Linda and landed right on Tex.

Jan jumped up, "Guess we are having turkey, I'll pluck it, stuff it and cook it"
I dropped to the sofa and threw my hands up and yelled "No Turkey for MargOH!". That's when Justin arrived and I said "but i wouldn't mind a little chicken"....Gotta love the holidays...
kisses,
MargOH!

Happy Holidays

Hey Kids,

I've been a horrible blogger but times have been tough. As you know I lost my beloved pooch Kim fung and it sent me into a minor and sometimes major depression but I know you gotta shake the old dust off and live on or in my case drink on...

Thats what I plan to do and kids I've got a lot of stuff coming up, new show, performances for my darlings of Sugar shack Burlesque and the fabulous Incredible Edible Akynos. MargOH! will also be blogging again on a weekly basis to get the old thoughts out for the new show "What makes a legend drink more" and kids this show is going to be a tour de MargOH!, singing, dancing, joking and tragedy...well it wouldn't be MargoH! without a little tragedy...

I'll be back tomorrow to update you on my thanksgiving crazy. Berna, my wardrobe mistress was up to no good and she nearly ruined the old bird...

Til tomorrow kids!!

XOXO, MargOH!

Fun at the US Open

Hey Kids,

I'm a huge tennis fan! Yes, a tennis fan and I even like to play, I love the way my tennis skirt ripples in the wind and makes me keep up on my bikini wax.

Any who, the other night we went to See Raaaffaaaa play and it was a celebrity fuck fest. I always dish out a little to Tony Bennett to sit in his box and honey I ain't talking about money...

Tony is a gem and he's still got it! Well about half way through the match the camera flashed on Michael Phelps and i had to say hi so I excused myself from Tony's box and made a quick step over to Michael's suite.

Well, I stopped for a Coney Island Foot long with Kraut, a girls gotta eat!

I knocked on the door and to my surprise he opened the door and opened his arms with Glee..."Auntie MargOH! I didn't know you'd be here, let's party, wanna smoke?" Michael said.

You see Michael's mother and I Debbie Sue go back a long time, she keeps this quiet but we did a few films together of the adult nature, I think they were called "Do you know the way to San Pusse' 1 and 2 or something...

They were only sold in Mexico...

I pushed my way in and couldn't believe my eyes, girls half naked, I was for sure he swung the other way..

Whatever the case there wasn't much tennis watching going on so I grabbed a drink and told Michael to keep it down about the weed so we could have it for ourselves.

We popped into his limo and smoked a little, it was good stuff!

Then things started getting crazy, he started rubbing my leg and telling me he always wanted Auntie MargOH!

Then he switched on "Buttons" by Pussycat Dolls and started undressing.

I tried to stop him but then I started feeling the effects of the weed and thought, Oh, what the hell, lets see what he's got!

Kids, what he's lacking for looks he makes up for down town, but then the vision of Debbie Sue taking it in both ends popped into my head and I snapped out of it and pushed him away and said "Auntie MargOH! don't play that".

I told him with a cock like that he should find a nice boy. I buttoned up my blouse and started getting out when he said "Auntie MargOH! I love you". I replied, "I Love you to,do you have $100 bucks?", I need a souvenir signature US open drink and they ain't cheap" and the doll handed me a few hundred...

The other part of this story is who I went with and that was with my wardrobe mistress Berna Breckenridge. I heard from Tony later that she went up to the ESPN booth and started hassling poor Pam Shriver.

I guess they got into quite a brawl. Berna told me when she got home the next day that she spent the night in hospital. She said she barked up the wrong tree or should I say amazon. Pam is about 6'3 and towered over poor Berna who is only 5'11 and 3 bucks...

I guess Pam punched her and sent her tumbling down onto a group of children with big autograph balls, thank goodness...

Don't go messing with Pam Shriver Kids...Tennis can be dangerous!!!

XO, MargOH!

Me and Teddy

Hey Kids,

It's been too long since my last confession and I promise to start the blog up again. I've been so busy with the premieres of "Taking Woodstock" in which I played Hippie Chick # 66. We had such a blast making the movie and what a coincidence that myself and the gang moved to Brooklyn and now live in the same building as Pippa Pearthree who has a role in the film. She is lovely!

Anyway, the reason why I had to blog today was because of the death of Ted Kennedy. He will be missed by his supporters, Washington, family and Haxton's liquor store. I will miss the big bear as well and with fond memories of the night we spent together.

It was 1977 and I was a young girl trying to make it in the biz and I had auditioned for a role in the touring company of "A Chorus Line". They gave me a shot and was sent to Boston to give it a whirl. It was exhilarating, my first show! When I arrived at the theatre and put on my costume it was a bit snug (they thought i was a size 2 but I was actually a size 12). I managed to squeeze into it after throwing up six times and then it was show time! When I got in line, the music swelled and so did my ankle (they thought i was a size 6 shoe but i was a size 13). I think I lied a little during my audition, well I really didn't audition, I slept with one of the producers, a girls gotta do what she's gotta do...

I got out on that stage and starting doing those kicks and hit the floor so hard I knocked myself out. My debut was over faster than the producer who did me in his limo..what a tragedy.

So I left the theatre and did what any gal would do...got drunk! I stopped in a bar called Charlie's and was doing boiler makers when all of a sudden a dozen men in suits all piled in and surrounded me at the bar. Then I heard from behind me a man whisper in my ear, "Hiya toots, can I buy you a drink?"

Well of course I said yes and then I swung around in the stool and before my eyes was one of the biggest faces I'd ever seen! A Kennedy! Ted Kennedy. Listen, the Kennedy's may be American royalty but you have to admit they do bear a slight resemblance to a pack of Clydesdales. But I digress...

Well of course he moved in on me quickly realizing I was a little tipsy and asked what a pretty dame like me was doing all alone. I dusted the beer nut droppings off my lap and they landed on his shoes and I said "Well I'm not here to crack nuts with a Kennedy". I went to grab his balls with my hand but he grabbed my wrist and pushed it away. I must admit his forcefulness made me hot but I kept my cool.

"A firecracker, that's the way i like em".

"Listen, Teddy I'm here to drown my sorrows, not find a man", I replied.

Then one of his suits whispered in his ear and they all chuckled a bit. "You are the gal who hit the floor in Chorus Line" Teddy said.

"My shoes were too small", I said then I looked at my watch and said, "Its only intermission, shouldn't you still be at the show?"

Teddy replied, "We left Joan there, theatre's not my thing. Why'd ya leave? That was the best part of the show!"

"Do you think Joan would approve of you coming on to a gorgeous young girl?", I said batting my eyelashes

"Why? Is there a gorgeous young girl here?" Teddy quipped.

My mouth opened in disbelief and then we both started laughing. "Joan's drunk again." and with a seductive whinny he added "Hey you gorgeous little thing, you wanna come back to my suite?"

My first thought was no thanks Mr. Ed but then i realized I couldn't show my face back at the casts' hotel so I thought, eh, I don't care. What a night! Boy am I glad I decided to ride that Lippizzaner home!

What happened next is between Teddy, myself and Joan, yes Joan. Let me just say this the carpet did not match the drapes in that suite...

Thanks for the memories Teddy!!

XO, MargOH!

Its raining, its Pouring

Hey Kids,

I gotta tell you that life lately has been a chore..My darling pooch Kim Fung had been battling mouth cancer and passed away last week. It has been a terrible loss for old MargOH! and MAN-ee is torn up as well. Kim Fung was more than just a plain old dog, she was colorful and smart as a whip. She could actually help old MargOH! put on her stockings or pull her to a pillow when she had a bit too much. Kim Fung also loved a bit of the drink, she loved champagne, luckily having four legs made it easier on the old girl to navigate around, she could hold her booze.

She also loved a Golden Retriever, she'd get all sassy and sly when any of those studs passed by...and even wrangled me a few flings with the owners..we were a team I guess and I'll miss her sense of adventure and whimsy. It wasn't all fun and games and Miss Fung had a temper and tore up a few of my costumes, she disliked Judy Garland and Liza minnelli music, she much preferred Jazz or something quiet.like a lovely Eartha Kitt... Her Favorite movie was "Chicken Run"...she just loved the clucking...

She was in two of my tv shows, she had great comic timing and took direction well, a real pro..Though trying to put make-up on her was a chore, she hated eye-liner but didn't shy away from a little concealer...

I loved that gal and she was my pal. I have a huge gap in my heart and mind at the moment. We haven't had the heart to move anything, her blanket still sits on the bed, her water/champers bowl still in its place, her collar and lead still waiting for a walk.

Life will never be the same, 14.5 years of love gone in an instant, Oh..but the memories...

Memories,
Like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were

Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? could we?

Mem’ries, may be beautiful and yet
What’s too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget
So it’s the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...

The way we were...
The way we were...

Coney Island Dreams

Hey Kids,

When i was a little girl my mother told me that I would one day perform at the Coney Island Freak show....of course this was meant to be a way of being mean to me. Sully always told me I was a bit hairy for a girl of my age and was on my way to being a bearded lady...

Guess what kids, I will be performing at the Coney island Freakshow and museum next week..but of course it is not as a bearded lady but as a fish goddess....It's very exciting and when I told Sully, my now aunt and ex mother she said she told me so and added in to make sure I got a waxing as not to be too hairy...what a hag.

Kids if you are in NY and want to see MargOH! strut her fish...please come to Coney Island...

XO, MargOH!

Settled in

Hey Kids,

It's been a wild time the past few weeks. First we were suppose to move to the bronx but once the landlord found out Berna was Union he turned us down. I even had my former aunt, now mother Trudie to flash him her tits but he wasn't going for it, I'm gonna get a lawyer for sure...

So we had to find a place quick and settled on a lovely flat in Brooklyn, a section called Carroll gardens. it has rooms for days and a closet for Berna, just perfect. It happens that and old friend of my ex mother, now aunt Sully's from Maine Mary Crabclaws owns the building. This is the first time in a while that sully has done me a favor the panned out....amazing. Though Sully did tell me she plans on heading back to Alaska for the summer to visit her friends at the Fishmongers retirement home. This just leaves me with Aunt Fawn and Trudie to house. Aunt Fawn just got back from her consulting gig for the Ice castles remake that I landed her and then she's returning to her job at Chelsea Piers sharpening skates.

Trudie keeps telling me that we should re-open MargOH!'s on delancy street. I don't know, running a business is so much work, especially a bar with a back room for lesbians. Though the lesbians these days are not as rough and tumble as back in the 60's it still would be a challenge.....but the nostalgia of it is keeping the idea in my thoughts. Who would have thought my former Aunt trudie, now mother, would come back into my life and bring back a flood of memories so dear and tragic.


Kisses, MargOH!